I am always thinking of things to blog about as I go through my day. Unfortunately when I sit down to actually do it the thoughts flit right out of my head never to be thought of again.

Well lets see. . .

Old: I am officially done with CHF. It is actually really nice to NOT be in charge of that HUGE amount of stuff. I feel weightless.

New: Kati is walking. A lot. Drunken sailor walking, but walking. Very cute, very mischievous. Found her squatting over the dogs water dish, ducky sitting primly in the water. She looks up at me a grins a HUGE grin, with water dripping down her face from her hair.

Old: Dinah had what we thought was a recurring ringworm infection. Medicine didn't work. Apparently it is bacterial. Antifungals don't work on bacteria.

New: Caught mouse that was eating the door. Very gross. Was living in the warmer drawer of the oven.

Old: Not currently attending church. I think it might take me a while to want to go back to church. I have given myself about 6 weeks to find the "want".

New: Keith has a job! Welcome one of Durham School Services newest bus drivers for the 2009-2010 school year! Yay! I feel like a huge amount of stress has been lifted off of both of us. Knowing that money will be coming in regularly and at a decent pay grade is AMAZING!!!!!

Old: Grammie was very very sick.

New: Grammie passed away on July 10th. We will miss her. I am going to try to write a book about her and Grampy using the stories that the family has told me. Everyone seems to think it is a great idea. No one has returned my emails about actually writing out the stories. I might have to push a bit harder.

Old: Fish tanks are up and running. Kind of killed all of the Koi. Might get more outside fish. Might not.

New: Have 4 fantail goldfish in the living room tank - Fido, Rover, Spot, & Blaze. Have two Black Moor goldfish in the bedroom tank - Pot and Kettle. (Hey, I can't name my kids weird stuff.)

Old: Sold Jeep.

New: Might have actually fallen prey to a very elaborate con. Jeep has been gone for a month and we don't have a dollar to show for it. Actually, the guys first check bounced, so the bank TOOK $5. Lost the car and money. Not a good deal in my opinion.

Old: Kati has been doing Kindermusik and going to the library for story time.

New: Kati actually LIKES Kindermusik and storytime. She also had a blast hanging with the Illinois cousins when they were here this week. We went to the lake to swim and sail (always fun) and we went to the Exploration Place. Kati thought that buttons and wheels and gears and boxes and all of the other fun stuff (particularly water) that she could play with was AWESOME! She sat at the water table in the Kansas room for close to 30 minutes without even hinting that she wanted to get down. She thought that the Tot Spot was cool too. All of those things to sit on. I swear, if she can just sit on something she is happy. Kitty Kat Kati!

Old: Keith made a website for Kara.

New: Kara never gave him contact info to put on the website, just content. Her site was up for weeks with no way to get in touch with her. Poor girl.

I think that is all of the major stuff that I have been dealing with. It has been a fun and eventful month. I am ready to start watching other kiddos now. Isabelle starts this week. I am hoping to have some more clients by the middle of August, but we shall see. God will send the right people at the right time.

Blessings!

I admit it, I am addicted to all shows starring Gordon Ramsey. I would LOVE to eat at one of his restaurants some day. That said, I now go into new eateries with a "Kitchen Nightmares" approach.
For example: This evening we tried a new place called Smash Burger on N Woodlawn. The burgers were great! It seems to me that they will make a success of the place. Why? Multiple reasons.
First, when you walk in the door it smells and looks wonderful. The decor is relaxed and fun. It looks cohesive and like a place you want to spend time in. (And I have definately been in places I DIDN'T want to spend time. Not good) The smells wafting from the kitchen were wonderful. Spicy and juicy and all around tantalizing.
Second, their menu is concise, easy to use, and very clear. I hate going to restarants with an overcomplicated menu or one that is misleading. I always feel cheated when I get the bill. They have a two panel menu with your options laid out for you. My favorite feature is the custom built burger that lists everything you can have on it.
Three, they are a burger joint, but they have a few items that make them stand out from the crowd. Case in point: Veggie Frites. Deep fried green beans, carrots, and asparagus. Very yummy. My one year old LOVED them. They also have a menu that is very easy to convert to "low-carb".
The only possible negative is the price. For a burger place it is a little pricey. For two burger, two fries, two fountain drinks, and a side of veggie frites we paid almost thirty dollars. That is a lot for burgers. The food was excellent however. We left full, I fed my daughter something that I thought was decently healthy (fries are NOT), and the burgers were HUGE! (Note: we both got 1/2 lb burgers. There is a 1/3lb option.)

All of this said, I love eating out, but I only revisit eateries that are affordable, yummy, and make me WANT to eat there. Maybe I am a closet critic, but it seems to me that as consumers we are entitled to our opinions.

I learned how to wire electrical outlets this weekend. Not a skill I ever thought I would have, but one I have mastered none the less. Precipitating the learning thereof was two rather horribly emotional days dealing with the messiness of marriage and job loss.

I am starting a daycare. Never thought I would start one, at least not in my home. I go back and forth between feeling like I am giving up my home and my life, and thinking that this is an awesome opportunity for me, and our family. I do worry about Kati being able to have her "own" things. Kids will be sleeping in her room, playing with her toys, eating in her highchair, taking over her house. I never wanted that for my child. I never really wanted an in home business for myself either. All of that said, I think this is what God wants me to do. Of course.

Starting a daycare is A LOT of work. Forms, TB tests, health assessments, classes, CPR, more forms, building new furniture, installing safety equipment..... you get the idea. I have been putting in 7-8 hours a day figuring out how to get everything ready. It has sucked!

I have been feeling alone. If one more person asks me how Keith's job hunt is going I think I am going to sock them in the jaw. Until recently (aka horribly emotional weekend) Keith did not tell me ANYTHING about how job stuff was going. I wanted to know how everything was going, but knowing how painful everything has been for him I have been ignoring it. We have since dealt with this extreme lack of communication and are moving on.

At CHF I am being replaced, of my own choosing. They have chosen the person, and I know who it is, but have the higher ups informed me? No. It would be too much to ask for them to let me know who I should start training to replace me in July. Did they grant my request of 4-6 weeks of training? No. Have they done ANYTHING that I have asked them? Yes. They did hire the person I recommended for the job. Good enough I guess. I am feeling so incredibly disconnected. I desperately want to give into the bitterness about them laying Keith off. I want to yell and the higher ups, scream at the pastors, and tell everyone how awful they have treated us. But I am still the nursery director. I have kids to care for, parents to please, payroll to turn in, and staff to manage. Not only did they NOT grant our request for an increase in Keith's hours, they laid him off. Not only did they lay him off, but they did not pay unemployment insureance (no help from Uncle Sam for us). Not only did they not pay unemployment, but they didn't keep Keith on as a consultant as per the unwritten agreement when he left. Not only did they not keep him on to consult, but they hired an outside firm for HALF of his previous salary for a SIX MONTH term. (SO a year would be the equivalent of his old salary.) GRRRRR!

Note: Bitterness is coming through loud and clear here. Yes I am complaining. Yes I hurt. No I am not going to apologize for feeling this way.

Since all of that has happened with Keith's job I have had a lot of trouble staying motivated in mine. I feel betrayed by my co-workers, not to mention my pastors. If it was just a job I wouldn't mind so much. But it was our church. The people that are supposed to be examples of Christ to the world have done this to us. It feels like I have been stabbed in the back. By someone I love. I don't care about my position anymore. I just don't. Every Sunday I put on my happy face and welcome 40 little kids into the nursery, but I honestly don't care anymore. My hurt and bitterness have taken all of my enthusiasm. I don't care if my girls don't show up. I don't care if my budget is smashed all to hell. I don't care. I want to be home, with my little girl, and three others, loving them, and making money. I am tempted to leave early. I don't want to be there anymore.

VBS is coming up, and I am suddenly in charge of childcare for twenty students for five days. I did not want to do it and I was not asked. I was told. And I was told I should volunteer rather than be paid. Yeah, right. And now, I am supposed to plan lessons and activities for all of these kids. Provide staff to teach them. Have I mentioned that I don't care anymore.

Ok, I will stop ranting now. I am depressing myself. Getting back to the Horribly Emotional Weekend. Because I was feeling the pressure of all of the above, I lost it on my sweet husband, who held me, and let me cry and did all of the things a husband is supposed to do. He is great that way. However, when I did this I knew that he would be hurt, and I HATE doing that to him. But it needed said. I felt alone, and I felt like I was sacrificing more, doing more, working harder. Not that I actually was, but there was no sharing of burdens, so how was I to know that he was doing every bit and more than I was? I shared. He held and soothed. Next evening: He cried and shared. I held and soothed. It worked. Following day. I learned how to wire outlets for the basement. We will move down there. We have finished wiring stuff. Now we can sheetrock. I will have a suite of rooms to escape to at the end of the day. Somewhere where the kids can't be. I like this thought! I will wire outlets, hang sheetrock, mud and tape. Heck, I will even plumb the bathroom if I have to! I will have a place that I can go so I know I haven't given up my house. My home. And we will survive.

It is May. This is not an unusual occurrence, however, I never seem to recall a month with quite so many changes in so many people's lives. Starting with the beginning of the month...

May 2nd, Kale and Bethany get married. Not a bad thing, by an stretch of the imagination, but a huge change to the social dynamic of the Rowley family. I love having another sister, and I am truly looking forward to getting to know Bethany better. Keith has had a few odd moments where he seems to not quite grasp that his little brother (who is older than ME) is married. Probably a bigger deal to him then it seems to me, but that's ok. I truly hope that Josh still hangs out with us, even though he will be the odd man out. I remember when Keith and I got married the "single friends" tended to dissapear. Maybe we can convince Josh that he is a necessary part of our marital lives? Anyway, moving on...

May 9th, Frank graduates high school. I have to say, I was actually somewhat surprised that this actually took place. Knowing just how difficult the last few years have been on my family this was a truly momentus occasion. I bawled. He has worked SO HARD over the last three years to deal with the rather horrible truth that was thrust upon him. He DID IT! He MADE IT! I am so proud of him. Getting the diagnosis of FAS could easily have made him give up, but here he is, a high school graduate. Again, I bawled. I almost forgot to cheer him as he walked the stage. I couldn't see a d*** thing cuz my eyes were all misty! He did it! Great job Frank, and thank you God for being so faithful!

May 10th, Mother's Day. I missed Mother's Day by 2 days last year. 2!!! My first official Mother's Day was fun and sweet. My daughter is precious and I enjoyed myself. Though I need to point out that my husband, who doesn't do such things, forgot to get me a card. Normally he tolerates, and even humors my need for such things. Maybe next year.

May 13th, Kati turned 1. I have been a mom for a year. That is such an amazing thing to me. My little bitty newborn (who took her dear sweet time coming into the world) is now a most rambuncious almost-toddler. She smiles (with those 8 teeth) and she hugs and kisses. She shakes her head (so I will too) and she can say Daddy! (Note: Mommy will be forthcoming if it kills me.) She is such an amazing little person, and I look forward to getting to know her better as the next year progresses. It all goes so fast. I swear she was just a few days old last week. Her party is next weekend, and I am planning to the hilt. Another of those things my husband doesn't understand, but hey, she is only going to turn 1 once. Besides, I love birthday's. Everyone should have at least one day a year that is all about them. (Besides, if I do huge parties for everyone else, a small one doesn't seem like to much to ask for MY birthday. And yes, I did just write that. I do have ulterior motives.)

May 15th, Keith's last day at CHF. This is probably the most painful of things that will happen this month. Though in a way it is not all pain. Some of it is relief. We have known this is coming, and it has been looming like a very dark cloud for months. Now that we are actually standing under it it doesn't seem quite as horrible as it could. God is faithful. We will make it. I am still scared, but I don't think we will cease to exist or anything. Bills are paid, this month, we have food, for a few weeks, and I think we can do whatever is necessary to survive. God is faithful. And now Keith can start looking for a place for us to ATTEND church. I am looking forward to actually sitting in a worship service with Keith, for multiple weeks in a row, without having to look after anything. My soul has missed it. I have needed it and I think I have been ignoring it for far too long. I WANT TO GO TO CHURCH WITH MY HUSBAND!!! Is that too much to ask? The layoff has almost been a blessing. We can go to church together. We can feed ourselves. My soul has been dying of thirst, though it lives in a rainforest. I can't do this anymore. I can't wait until July.

May 16th, Today. Today I was busy. Today I helped make Kale and Bethany's reception food. Today I weeded the garden. Today I was mom. Today I was wife. Today I was productive. Today was wonderful.

Today I am home. I wasn't supposed to be, but now I am. Hmm.... how often does THAT happen. I was supposed to babysit this morning, then have run around type errands all afternoon, but here I sit. I have made a few cards, played with the new curriculum for work, and overall just ditzed around. I am thoroughly enjoying myself. I think I am going to go explore more cards to make. Have a happy day!

So we weathered the overnighter! We did have a slight setback.... Kati was teething, so we put her to bed.... but we did get a wonderful nights sleep. I had forgotten what it felt like. I want to do it again, not for a while, but maybe in a month or two, or five. Kati didn't forget me, and I didn't freak too badly. Life is good.

So on to the rest of the week. I am happy to say I have had a great week. It has been long for whatever reason, but fun and mostly relaxing. Today I had cabin fever so we went road tripping to Winfield. Yes, I know, and amazing destination, but I had a lot of fun. We ate a cool little bistro and walked in the park with the little girl. It was great to really have an afternoon outing as a family. It was nice to just hang out together. We need to do that more often.

Now that I have had a relaxing day I need to get ready for the craziness that is Sundays, so off to bed!

I sit here knowing that I need to pack for an overnight. Not for me, but for my precious little girl. I have been looking forward to her staying with the in-laws for weeks, but now that the day is upon me I am nervous. I have never left her with anyone before. Sure she has stayed with Anndrea while I work, and with the Grandparents while I run errands and go out with my hubby, but the first overnight is getting to me. What if she cries all night? What if she needs me and I am not there? What if she thinks I have abandoned her? It is very hard for me to think about. I want my girl to grow up knowing that she is loved. I want her to know that I am always there for her. But at the same time I sometimes need a good nights sleep, and maybe, just maybe, a night "off". She is still so little. I wonder what my mother's heart should be feeling. I know, in my head, that she will be fine. One night with Nana won't hurt her. She may even enjoy herself. It is me. All me, and my heart. I wonder and worry, and fret. I know that is not being very trusting, but she is my baby.

Lord grant me peace to leave my child in Your care. Give me the strength to enjoy myself, even as I worry. Let me take comfort in you! Bless my darling baby, and keep her safe.