It is May. This is not an unusual occurrence, however, I never seem to recall a month with quite so many changes in so many people's lives. Starting with the beginning of the month...

May 2nd, Kale and Bethany get married. Not a bad thing, by an stretch of the imagination, but a huge change to the social dynamic of the Rowley family. I love having another sister, and I am truly looking forward to getting to know Bethany better. Keith has had a few odd moments where he seems to not quite grasp that his little brother (who is older than ME) is married. Probably a bigger deal to him then it seems to me, but that's ok. I truly hope that Josh still hangs out with us, even though he will be the odd man out. I remember when Keith and I got married the "single friends" tended to dissapear. Maybe we can convince Josh that he is a necessary part of our marital lives? Anyway, moving on...

May 9th, Frank graduates high school. I have to say, I was actually somewhat surprised that this actually took place. Knowing just how difficult the last few years have been on my family this was a truly momentus occasion. I bawled. He has worked SO HARD over the last three years to deal with the rather horrible truth that was thrust upon him. He DID IT! He MADE IT! I am so proud of him. Getting the diagnosis of FAS could easily have made him give up, but here he is, a high school graduate. Again, I bawled. I almost forgot to cheer him as he walked the stage. I couldn't see a d*** thing cuz my eyes were all misty! He did it! Great job Frank, and thank you God for being so faithful!

May 10th, Mother's Day. I missed Mother's Day by 2 days last year. 2!!! My first official Mother's Day was fun and sweet. My daughter is precious and I enjoyed myself. Though I need to point out that my husband, who doesn't do such things, forgot to get me a card. Normally he tolerates, and even humors my need for such things. Maybe next year.

May 13th, Kati turned 1. I have been a mom for a year. That is such an amazing thing to me. My little bitty newborn (who took her dear sweet time coming into the world) is now a most rambuncious almost-toddler. She smiles (with those 8 teeth) and she hugs and kisses. She shakes her head (so I will too) and she can say Daddy! (Note: Mommy will be forthcoming if it kills me.) She is such an amazing little person, and I look forward to getting to know her better as the next year progresses. It all goes so fast. I swear she was just a few days old last week. Her party is next weekend, and I am planning to the hilt. Another of those things my husband doesn't understand, but hey, she is only going to turn 1 once. Besides, I love birthday's. Everyone should have at least one day a year that is all about them. (Besides, if I do huge parties for everyone else, a small one doesn't seem like to much to ask for MY birthday. And yes, I did just write that. I do have ulterior motives.)

May 15th, Keith's last day at CHF. This is probably the most painful of things that will happen this month. Though in a way it is not all pain. Some of it is relief. We have known this is coming, and it has been looming like a very dark cloud for months. Now that we are actually standing under it it doesn't seem quite as horrible as it could. God is faithful. We will make it. I am still scared, but I don't think we will cease to exist or anything. Bills are paid, this month, we have food, for a few weeks, and I think we can do whatever is necessary to survive. God is faithful. And now Keith can start looking for a place for us to ATTEND church. I am looking forward to actually sitting in a worship service with Keith, for multiple weeks in a row, without having to look after anything. My soul has missed it. I have needed it and I think I have been ignoring it for far too long. I WANT TO GO TO CHURCH WITH MY HUSBAND!!! Is that too much to ask? The layoff has almost been a blessing. We can go to church together. We can feed ourselves. My soul has been dying of thirst, though it lives in a rainforest. I can't do this anymore. I can't wait until July.

May 16th, Today. Today I was busy. Today I helped make Kale and Bethany's reception food. Today I weeded the garden. Today I was mom. Today I was wife. Today I was productive. Today was wonderful.

Today I am home. I wasn't supposed to be, but now I am. Hmm.... how often does THAT happen. I was supposed to babysit this morning, then have run around type errands all afternoon, but here I sit. I have made a few cards, played with the new curriculum for work, and overall just ditzed around. I am thoroughly enjoying myself. I think I am going to go explore more cards to make. Have a happy day!

So we weathered the overnighter! We did have a slight setback.... Kati was teething, so we put her to bed.... but we did get a wonderful nights sleep. I had forgotten what it felt like. I want to do it again, not for a while, but maybe in a month or two, or five. Kati didn't forget me, and I didn't freak too badly. Life is good.

So on to the rest of the week. I am happy to say I have had a great week. It has been long for whatever reason, but fun and mostly relaxing. Today I had cabin fever so we went road tripping to Winfield. Yes, I know, and amazing destination, but I had a lot of fun. We ate a cool little bistro and walked in the park with the little girl. It was great to really have an afternoon outing as a family. It was nice to just hang out together. We need to do that more often.

Now that I have had a relaxing day I need to get ready for the craziness that is Sundays, so off to bed!

I sit here knowing that I need to pack for an overnight. Not for me, but for my precious little girl. I have been looking forward to her staying with the in-laws for weeks, but now that the day is upon me I am nervous. I have never left her with anyone before. Sure she has stayed with Anndrea while I work, and with the Grandparents while I run errands and go out with my hubby, but the first overnight is getting to me. What if she cries all night? What if she needs me and I am not there? What if she thinks I have abandoned her? It is very hard for me to think about. I want my girl to grow up knowing that she is loved. I want her to know that I am always there for her. But at the same time I sometimes need a good nights sleep, and maybe, just maybe, a night "off". She is still so little. I wonder what my mother's heart should be feeling. I know, in my head, that she will be fine. One night with Nana won't hurt her. She may even enjoy herself. It is me. All me, and my heart. I wonder and worry, and fret. I know that is not being very trusting, but she is my baby.

Lord grant me peace to leave my child in Your care. Give me the strength to enjoy myself, even as I worry. Let me take comfort in you! Bless my darling baby, and keep her safe.

I am very proud of myself. Perhaps that seems a little wrong, but hey, right now I need an upper! I have lost close to 18 lbs and I feel fantastic. It is amazing to me how long it took me to realize how awful I was being to myself. My heart broke when I realized that I was having trouble playing on the floor with Kati. My soul cried out with the brokenness. I needed a change. I needed a change for me. Not for my husband, not for my mom, not for my job, or even my daughter. I needed a change because I, ME, needed a change. This is really the first time in my life that I realized I needed to care for ME. That I was important to ME. I am changing, and I love it! It is sometimes hard, but I am doing what I need to do for myself. I am excited, I am happy, and I am doing it! Going in to the clinic the first time was really hard. I didn't really want to hear what they had to say. I knew they would say I was morbidly obese. I knew they would say I was going to have to give up some of my very favorite foods. I knew they were going to say that I had a problem. I didn't want to hear it. I didn't expect them to know where I was coming from. But they do. All of them. They have all been where I am. They had all realized somewhere, sometime, that they needed to take care of themselves. And they did. And they are happy. And now they want to help me. So they walk with me. They encourage me. And they tell me what I need to know, to get better. To help myself. I am not morbidly obese anymore! I have dropped a category. I have dropped a pants size. I have dropped the oppressive weight on my soul that was bringing me down into the hell of self loathing. I can do this, with lots of help, from God, from these wonderful ladies, from my husband. I am loosing, so much more than just pounds. And I am gaining. I am gaining insights into myself, and my needs. Insights into how much God loves me. Insights into just how wonderful it feels to be self disciplined. When I first started I thought that I would hate it. And I did. For a while. But not now. Now, I realize just how important it is for me to take the time out to take care of myself. To make sure I can get the food that I need. I am so happy that I am doing this. I know it won't always be easy, but right now, what I have is plenty, and what I am gaining means so much more to me than all of the food in the world.

Because I am happy, and because my wonderful husband and I have been married for 2 years (In 10 days) we are going to Texas. We invited ourselves over to a family's (that have been asking us to come visit) and they joyfully extended an invitation. However, there are some provisos, just because of the way their life is right now. And that is fine with me and I understand. But I have an infant. And having an infant causes me to ask for things from my hosts that I wouldn't dream of if I didn't. She needs naps, and plenty of them. I asked our sweet hosts if there was any way they could schedule around us, just a little, but around us. I hate doing that, but my baby comes first. I feel akward, and needy. I feel like a bad houseguest. Should a apologize and retract my request, or should I just leave it as it is, and hope that they are not put out with me. I don't know them well enough to say. I am nervous. I don't want to overstay our welcome before we even get there. What should I do? What should I say? I want to be just as gracious and sweet as our hosts, and I feel like I am failing miserably.

Help me Lord. Help me to know if I should be the giver, or reciever, of grace here. Help me to know if I am right in putting my child (on this trip) in front of my grace for the lives of others. Grant me wisdom, and help me to do what You know is best.

My little girl is growing up. It is amazing to me to watch Kati Liz grow and change and evolve and explore. I am astounded by the sheer determination I see in her everyday. I truly do remember carrying her, and laboring, and birthing and that first precious moment when I got to hold her. That was 9 very very short months ago. My little one is crawling all over the house, getting into everything, and loving every minute of it. Holding her and snuggling her makes my heart melt! Sometimes I let her sleep on my lap, just so that I can hold her, and watch her while she sleeps. The force of my love for her brings tears to my eyes. She is so precious. She is my little girl. Every time she looks at me and smiles my heart turns into a little puddle! I miss my little 2 week old baby that did nothing but nap in my arms, but I love this new little adventurer! She is so brave, and determined. She wants to conquer her environment every day. Today she even crawled OVER our 90 lb lab! She has (three times) pulled a chair over on top of herself. She had tried to stick her finger in a wall outlet, and she has tried to eat the end of my computer cord (while it was live.) She sits in the dog dishes, tries to crawl down the side of the bed, and tries to eat anything (and I mean anything) left on the floor. How can such a little person, who is truly dependent on her parents for most everything in her life, be so carefree and fearless. I am so blessed to be her mom. She teaches me new things every day.

Being a mom is honestly much different then I had imagined. I thought that I would be very laid back and non worried. Well I am still pretty laid back, but I am almost always worried about something. Does that rash mean anything? Is she warm enough? How can I get her to take a nap? You know, all of those kind of things. And then there is How are we going to afford new clothes? Can we go grocery shopping AND get the bills paid? I never knew how much thought went into parenthood. Not that I mind thinking, but sometimes I feel like my brain needs a break. One minute without an ounce of worry.

Anyway, Kati is a blessing, but I am still not sure I am ready for toddlerhood. (Ok Dad, when do I get another infant?) She went from completely unable to crawl to cruising in less than a month! I swear she is trying to bypass the rest of babyhood. I am not ready my darling girl. PLEASE slow down! I want her to grow up healthy and happy and I know that means that she has to go at her own pace, but I still think she is going hell bent for leather toward toddlerhood. Thankfully she is so adorable in the process I cannot help but smile!

The love in my heart for this little human being amazes even me. I never thought I could love someone this much. I love my husband more than my own body, and I realize that I am his and he is mine. But motherhood, wow, it sends a whole new spin on the word LOVE. I truly think my heart would stop if I did not have my little girl in my life. She is the most important thing to me right now. I love holding her, watching her, talking to her, feeding her, changing her, giving her baths. She is this little bundle of fulfillment and joy in my life and I wouldn't trade it for the world. Babies are a lot of work, yes, but the rewards that you reap, watching them smile and watching them grow is positively amazing!