As I post for the first time on various blogs, websites etc, I always feel that I should tell a little about myself. But I am not going to do that today. Today I need to layout where I am at, and the crushing weight that has been on me for several days now.

My husband is losing his job. Not a huge surprise as far as the economy is concerned, but very surprising given where he works. We are both employed at a church here in the city and we have loved every moment (well not every moment) and we had thought we would be here for 5+ years at the least. When he brought the news home to me I felt the weight of responsibility and disbelief hit me square in the chest, and over the last 3 days it hasn't left. Not that God won't take care of us, He always has and always will, but I am a firm believer that God helps those who help themselves. Sitting on my blessed assurance waiting for God to change the mind of the staff parish committee etc is just not going to cut it.

I know I can get a job pretty much anywhere in the child care industry that I want. However, it has been my lifelong dream to stay home with my kids. Having worked in the child care industry for years I know the type of care Kati would receive and I abhor the thought of her spending her days in one of these institutions. I want to be home with her, seeing her grow and change. If anything I know how fast she is going to go through all of the stages and new wonders of her short life and I don't want to miss anything.

I am still kind of in shock about Keith loosing his job. It really hasn't sunk in yet. I want to believe that the church that we have poured our lives into for the last 3 years isn't going to leave us high and dry, but that is what it feels like. A few months ago Keith and I had discussed our future at Chapel Hill. We knew we were not getting fed there and we realized that if we weren't working there we wouldn't be going to church there. Now that he is not going to be there anymore, I am fairly certain that I will resign my position as well. I want us to be at church together. If he is not working Sundays I really don't want to either.

How are we going to make it? What are we going to do? We were barely making it as it was. I truly hope God has something wonderful planned. I am not sure I am strong enough to live in limbo. My little girl needs new clothes, food, diapers. My dogs need to eat. Keith and I need to pa bills, eat, get new clothes ourselves. How do we do all of this if he doesn't have a job? I wonder just what we will have to do. I am scared.