I am very proud of myself. Perhaps that seems a little wrong, but hey, right now I need an upper! I have lost close to 18 lbs and I feel fantastic. It is amazing to me how long it took me to realize how awful I was being to myself. My heart broke when I realized that I was having trouble playing on the floor with Kati. My soul cried out with the brokenness. I needed a change. I needed a change for me. Not for my husband, not for my mom, not for my job, or even my daughter. I needed a change because I, ME, needed a change. This is really the first time in my life that I realized I needed to care for ME. That I was important to ME. I am changing, and I love it! It is sometimes hard, but I am doing what I need to do for myself. I am excited, I am happy, and I am doing it! Going in to the clinic the first time was really hard. I didn't really want to hear what they had to say. I knew they would say I was morbidly obese. I knew they would say I was going to have to give up some of my very favorite foods. I knew they were going to say that I had a problem. I didn't want to hear it. I didn't expect them to know where I was coming from. But they do. All of them. They have all been where I am. They had all realized somewhere, sometime, that they needed to take care of themselves. And they did. And they are happy. And now they want to help me. So they walk with me. They encourage me. And they tell me what I need to know, to get better. To help myself. I am not morbidly obese anymore! I have dropped a category. I have dropped a pants size. I have dropped the oppressive weight on my soul that was bringing me down into the hell of self loathing. I can do this, with lots of help, from God, from these wonderful ladies, from my husband. I am loosing, so much more than just pounds. And I am gaining. I am gaining insights into myself, and my needs. Insights into how much God loves me. Insights into just how wonderful it feels to be self disciplined. When I first started I thought that I would hate it. And I did. For a while. But not now. Now, I realize just how important it is for me to take the time out to take care of myself. To make sure I can get the food that I need. I am so happy that I am doing this. I know it won't always be easy, but right now, what I have is plenty, and what I am gaining means so much more to me than all of the food in the world.

Because I am happy, and because my wonderful husband and I have been married for 2 years (In 10 days) we are going to Texas. We invited ourselves over to a family's (that have been asking us to come visit) and they joyfully extended an invitation. However, there are some provisos, just because of the way their life is right now. And that is fine with me and I understand. But I have an infant. And having an infant causes me to ask for things from my hosts that I wouldn't dream of if I didn't. She needs naps, and plenty of them. I asked our sweet hosts if there was any way they could schedule around us, just a little, but around us. I hate doing that, but my baby comes first. I feel akward, and needy. I feel like a bad houseguest. Should a apologize and retract my request, or should I just leave it as it is, and hope that they are not put out with me. I don't know them well enough to say. I am nervous. I don't want to overstay our welcome before we even get there. What should I do? What should I say? I want to be just as gracious and sweet as our hosts, and I feel like I am failing miserably.

Help me Lord. Help me to know if I should be the giver, or reciever, of grace here. Help me to know if I am right in putting my child (on this trip) in front of my grace for the lives of others. Grant me wisdom, and help me to do what You know is best.