It is always surprising to me how long I go between posts. October was dreadfully low on posts, and November completely devoid of them. Here it is the middle of December and I am just now getting around to doing this thing called blogging!
October finished rather lazily, and November took off with a flash. Keith and I spent the month furiously writing any time we could. We both managed to write 50,000 + words by Thanksgiving! Neither of our books are finished, or even really readable yet however. Truthfully I am kind of scared to read mine. I know it is incredibly dreadful (that was part of the deal and I knew it) but I am just not sure I can face the seemingly monumental task of editing this amazing work of fiction that was hiding somewhere in my head.
Kati's Klubhouse is doing phenomenally well. I have five regular clients, with two precious little girls that drop in on occasion. Isabelle is 7 months old and starting to sit up, and have teeth, and working on crawling etc. She is a happy smiley baby, and I genuinely look forward to seeing her every morning. Though I have realized that when she is not here I feel much more relaxed...
Ty is almost 2 and a dynamic little firecracker. He spends most of his days chasing after his older friend Malakai or starting WW3 with Kati. He is fun and full of giggles and keeps me on my toes.
Malakai is my newest kiddo. He is 3. And what a 3 he is! Lots of questions, lots of smiles, and he has definite opinions on how his world will work. He is very easygoing though, and never actively defies me, which is very unusual for a three year old. What a sweet guy he is.
Isaac is a little lover. He is quiet, and playful, and has so much fun chasing all of the older kids around. He is 15 months, so he is the littlest next to Isabelle. He has a huge smile and loves to eat all of the yummy snacks that we keep around. Now if only I could get him to take a good nap...
And then there is Kati. My sweet precious loving Kati. She is opinionated, stubborn, and sometimes hard of hearing, but she adds such joy to my life. Being her mommy is an amazing experience. She loves having the other kids over to play and she has so much fun running around with the boys and teasing them. She also loves to do puzzles and read books with me, which is so precious to me. She is even learning to pick up her toys when she is done with them. I am so proud of her!
With all of these amazing kids comes a HUGE amount of housework, which I sometimes feel I am drowning in. Keith has all but taken over doing laundry because I just can't seem to get it done anymore. He also does dishes, vaccuums, cleans up, and overall takes care of everything - after he has gotten up at 5 am to take kiddos to school. I know I couldn't do this without his help. Some nights I sit in bed wanting to cry because I didn't accomplish everything that I needed to for the day. And other nights I marvel at the fact that I got a shower and made two meals. I have been struggling to keep myself in balance. I have been feeling like I need to be this supermom who can keep house, watch 5 kids, make three meals and two snacks, keep the kids clean and do laundry - all with a smile on my face and energy leftover for a "life" outside of the house. I don't know if I am expecting too much of myself, or if I am just being selfish. I don't want to put things on my husband. He has his own things he needs to accomplish, but sometimes I just need him to share my load, and carry some of my weight, because I just can't do it anymore.
For the first time in my life I have found myself feeling depressed and overwhelmed. I am upset with myself because I am not my usual sunny, optomistic, get to work kind of self. I want that me back, but I wonder if this is how motherhood is. If motherhood means that you give up everything you were, and become everything to the little person you love more than anything you ever liked about yourself, or even your husband. Does motherhood mean that I will never be able to be that carefree person I used to be, someone who didn't worry about wearing socks in the winter, or whether I was eating on a good schedule or not?
I constantly tell people, specifically other moms, that a mother has to take time for herself, and do things that are fulfilling to her. But what if that means that you clean out a closet by yourself? What if that means that you get the house clean, and keep it that way for a little more than 10 minutes? What if cooking a 4 course meal, and then enjoying it, without half of it ending up on the floor, is what makes you feel whole, and womanly? What then?

Keith and I have challenged ourselves to write a 50,000 word novel during the month of November. I am very much looking forward to this. If you want to join us go to NaNoWriMo.org and sign up!

I have new clients!!! I have a very sweet little boy starting on the 31st of August! I think I am finally going to feel like I am running a daycare rather than just having another child of my own. Even though she goes home at the end of the day I feel like I have had another baby. Its just the one, and I am exhausted (from the early mornings, not nightime feedings.)
I have found that at the end of the day I need keith to take over with Kati, and AT LEAST once a week I need to get out of the house and have a conversation with an adult. We shall see how well this works out. Thankfully Tonda has offered to watch the Kati once every few weeks overnight. I think being able to have a morning to ourselves will really help.
I really wish my body would cooperate with this new schedule. Its not like we are going to bed late. It is normally lights out by 9 or 9:30 at the latest. For us its like going to bed before the evening has even started. I guess it is just going to take some getting used to.
The basement is coming along well. The first coat of mud and tape is up. We are waiting on sanding, another coat of mud, then the finishing can start. I so want to move to the basement.

Well, gtg for now.

I always feel like I can't keep up and that my life is passing me by too quickly. I want to remember, and possibly ruminate, but it is hard to do. I think I will go through the list again...

Kati's Klubhouse: Still needs more clients. However, my first two weeks have been fun and mostly stress free. I am LOVING staying home and being with the girls all day. Kati is needing some adjustment. Sharing Mommy with Baby I* (Names changed to protect anonymity) has been a learning experience. She wants to sit on Mommy and love on Mommy all while the baby is currently engaging my attention. Thankfully she will be older when we have one that DOESN"T go home at the end of the day. Its funny though, Ike came over to play on Friday (last) and she didn't care that Baby I was around. I DESPERATELY need another toddler for her to play with. I think we will both be a lot happier when she has something to focus on besides Mommy paying attention to someone else. It breaks my heart to have to tell her that I can't hold her or feed her right now. At the end of the day when she melts into my arms it is so wonderful. I love being a mom. She called me Mama for the first time on 8-7-09. So precious! Anyhow, Kati's Klubhouse is causing me to look at things a little differently. I am at home ALL DAY, but I am not at home, I am at WORK. It is sort of hard for me to sit and just focus on child care when I know there are projects calling my name from all over the house. I know I will get used to it, but it is hard to sit and feel somewhat unproductive, even when I know that the girls will get so much out of the one on one time I am spending with them. I love what I do, and I am glad I am not a CHF anymore, but this is a HUGE lifestyle change. I am looking forward to the basement being finished so I can have a place to escape to at the end of the day.

Basement: We have finished wiring the basement, with the small exception of bathroom lights, and lighting in the family area. However, with all of the major stuff finished we spent the day hanging sheetrock and cleaning out the bedroom and closet. We can start mudding and taping this week! Yay! It actually looks like a room. We bought vinyl flooring and tile for the tub surround this week. It is going to be a very pretty bathroom when we are finished. Now I need to go back to home depot and pick a paint that will match the tile. The paint I picked before I think won't match. We need to go with Keith's parents to the Floor Trader again and see if we can find some carpet. I want to get something nice, but I also want it to stay nice and last a while. Sometimes the cushy carpets don't stay nice with babies and dogs making use of it. The paint for the bedroom is all picked, and I want to get the mudding and taping over with so that we can actually paint. I think that will be the clincher for me. When we move downstairs there might be a few things that have yet to be finished (the window seat and built in bookshelf) but most everything else will be done....in the bedroom suite anyway. I can't wait!


Kati: Kati has decided that she can go up and down stairs by herself. She likes to climb, but now she is scooting down on her little behind. Scary for Mama, exhilarating for Kati. I was vaccuming the other day and Kati was on the floor. I was vaccumming one way and she was looking at me. I started to vaccum towards her and she RAN to the couch. Then I vaccumed toward the couch and she RAN to her chair and go up in it. The noise doesn't bother her, but she doesn't want anyone to suck her up with the "vaccum monster." I had never seen her run before. Oh boy, another mode of baby transport! She is getting so big. Baby fever is back with a vengence. Keith is NOT ready for me to be pregnant again. That's ok with me. I am not ready for another baby just yet. I miss the time when Kati was small, but I love where she is at. I have always loved the 8-20 month age and I am in baby heaven. I want to be pregnant again though. Gosh I loved it. Maybe sometime this fall. We shall see. I think a little more than 2 years is a good spread, but if they end up a little farther apart that is fine too. I love being a Ma-ma to someone.

Judah & Dinah: The most miraculous thing has happened! Having Baby I dropped off and picked up every day has made them almost STOP caring that the front door opens. Sure they investigate, but it is no longer the push people over and jump on them deal that it was before. They take their sniff, then go wherever it is I tell them. I am SO thankful that it hasn't made them even more freaked out. They are actually becoming well behaved canines. I did have one family come interview me that didn't like them, but I think they were not dog people in general. Not that there is anything wrong with "not dog" people, but I think that dogs are good for kids. Granted, they have their moments when i would like to throttle them, but so do kids, and occasionally husbands. It just happens more frequently with them.

Keith: Keith is officially hired by Durham School Services. Hopefully by the middle of September he will have his own route. Until then I think they said that he can do ride alongs with an experienced driver. Probably not a bad idea. I am so thankful that God has provided a good job for him that will be steady through the end of the school year. Maybe by then his web design business will have built up enough clientele for him to stop. If not he can always do another year. I think this will be good to us. If I can get two more full time clients we will be financially steady, and actually doing significantly better than we have been since I finished nannying. Honestly, it has been a rough year since I quit nannying. I feel like we are finally starting to look up. I think that there is a light at the end of this tunnel and it is almost within reach. I really want to be able to pay off my credit card. I feel the weight of our mounting debt weighing on my soul. Thank you God for giving us the means to lift ourselves up.

I am always thinking of things to blog about as I go through my day. Unfortunately when I sit down to actually do it the thoughts flit right out of my head never to be thought of again.

Well lets see. . .

Old: I am officially done with CHF. It is actually really nice to NOT be in charge of that HUGE amount of stuff. I feel weightless.

New: Kati is walking. A lot. Drunken sailor walking, but walking. Very cute, very mischievous. Found her squatting over the dogs water dish, ducky sitting primly in the water. She looks up at me a grins a HUGE grin, with water dripping down her face from her hair.

Old: Dinah had what we thought was a recurring ringworm infection. Medicine didn't work. Apparently it is bacterial. Antifungals don't work on bacteria.

New: Caught mouse that was eating the door. Very gross. Was living in the warmer drawer of the oven.

Old: Not currently attending church. I think it might take me a while to want to go back to church. I have given myself about 6 weeks to find the "want".

New: Keith has a job! Welcome one of Durham School Services newest bus drivers for the 2009-2010 school year! Yay! I feel like a huge amount of stress has been lifted off of both of us. Knowing that money will be coming in regularly and at a decent pay grade is AMAZING!!!!!

Old: Grammie was very very sick.

New: Grammie passed away on July 10th. We will miss her. I am going to try to write a book about her and Grampy using the stories that the family has told me. Everyone seems to think it is a great idea. No one has returned my emails about actually writing out the stories. I might have to push a bit harder.

Old: Fish tanks are up and running. Kind of killed all of the Koi. Might get more outside fish. Might not.

New: Have 4 fantail goldfish in the living room tank - Fido, Rover, Spot, & Blaze. Have two Black Moor goldfish in the bedroom tank - Pot and Kettle. (Hey, I can't name my kids weird stuff.)

Old: Sold Jeep.

New: Might have actually fallen prey to a very elaborate con. Jeep has been gone for a month and we don't have a dollar to show for it. Actually, the guys first check bounced, so the bank TOOK $5. Lost the car and money. Not a good deal in my opinion.

Old: Kati has been doing Kindermusik and going to the library for story time.

New: Kati actually LIKES Kindermusik and storytime. She also had a blast hanging with the Illinois cousins when they were here this week. We went to the lake to swim and sail (always fun) and we went to the Exploration Place. Kati thought that buttons and wheels and gears and boxes and all of the other fun stuff (particularly water) that she could play with was AWESOME! She sat at the water table in the Kansas room for close to 30 minutes without even hinting that she wanted to get down. She thought that the Tot Spot was cool too. All of those things to sit on. I swear, if she can just sit on something she is happy. Kitty Kat Kati!

Old: Keith made a website for Kara.

New: Kara never gave him contact info to put on the website, just content. Her site was up for weeks with no way to get in touch with her. Poor girl.

I think that is all of the major stuff that I have been dealing with. It has been a fun and eventful month. I am ready to start watching other kiddos now. Isabelle starts this week. I am hoping to have some more clients by the middle of August, but we shall see. God will send the right people at the right time.

Blessings!

I admit it, I am addicted to all shows starring Gordon Ramsey. I would LOVE to eat at one of his restaurants some day. That said, I now go into new eateries with a "Kitchen Nightmares" approach.
For example: This evening we tried a new place called Smash Burger on N Woodlawn. The burgers were great! It seems to me that they will make a success of the place. Why? Multiple reasons.
First, when you walk in the door it smells and looks wonderful. The decor is relaxed and fun. It looks cohesive and like a place you want to spend time in. (And I have definately been in places I DIDN'T want to spend time. Not good) The smells wafting from the kitchen were wonderful. Spicy and juicy and all around tantalizing.
Second, their menu is concise, easy to use, and very clear. I hate going to restarants with an overcomplicated menu or one that is misleading. I always feel cheated when I get the bill. They have a two panel menu with your options laid out for you. My favorite feature is the custom built burger that lists everything you can have on it.
Three, they are a burger joint, but they have a few items that make them stand out from the crowd. Case in point: Veggie Frites. Deep fried green beans, carrots, and asparagus. Very yummy. My one year old LOVED them. They also have a menu that is very easy to convert to "low-carb".
The only possible negative is the price. For a burger place it is a little pricey. For two burger, two fries, two fountain drinks, and a side of veggie frites we paid almost thirty dollars. That is a lot for burgers. The food was excellent however. We left full, I fed my daughter something that I thought was decently healthy (fries are NOT), and the burgers were HUGE! (Note: we both got 1/2 lb burgers. There is a 1/3lb option.)

All of this said, I love eating out, but I only revisit eateries that are affordable, yummy, and make me WANT to eat there. Maybe I am a closet critic, but it seems to me that as consumers we are entitled to our opinions.

I learned how to wire electrical outlets this weekend. Not a skill I ever thought I would have, but one I have mastered none the less. Precipitating the learning thereof was two rather horribly emotional days dealing with the messiness of marriage and job loss.

I am starting a daycare. Never thought I would start one, at least not in my home. I go back and forth between feeling like I am giving up my home and my life, and thinking that this is an awesome opportunity for me, and our family. I do worry about Kati being able to have her "own" things. Kids will be sleeping in her room, playing with her toys, eating in her highchair, taking over her house. I never wanted that for my child. I never really wanted an in home business for myself either. All of that said, I think this is what God wants me to do. Of course.

Starting a daycare is A LOT of work. Forms, TB tests, health assessments, classes, CPR, more forms, building new furniture, installing safety equipment..... you get the idea. I have been putting in 7-8 hours a day figuring out how to get everything ready. It has sucked!

I have been feeling alone. If one more person asks me how Keith's job hunt is going I think I am going to sock them in the jaw. Until recently (aka horribly emotional weekend) Keith did not tell me ANYTHING about how job stuff was going. I wanted to know how everything was going, but knowing how painful everything has been for him I have been ignoring it. We have since dealt with this extreme lack of communication and are moving on.

At CHF I am being replaced, of my own choosing. They have chosen the person, and I know who it is, but have the higher ups informed me? No. It would be too much to ask for them to let me know who I should start training to replace me in July. Did they grant my request of 4-6 weeks of training? No. Have they done ANYTHING that I have asked them? Yes. They did hire the person I recommended for the job. Good enough I guess. I am feeling so incredibly disconnected. I desperately want to give into the bitterness about them laying Keith off. I want to yell and the higher ups, scream at the pastors, and tell everyone how awful they have treated us. But I am still the nursery director. I have kids to care for, parents to please, payroll to turn in, and staff to manage. Not only did they NOT grant our request for an increase in Keith's hours, they laid him off. Not only did they lay him off, but they did not pay unemployment insureance (no help from Uncle Sam for us). Not only did they not pay unemployment, but they didn't keep Keith on as a consultant as per the unwritten agreement when he left. Not only did they not keep him on to consult, but they hired an outside firm for HALF of his previous salary for a SIX MONTH term. (SO a year would be the equivalent of his old salary.) GRRRRR!

Note: Bitterness is coming through loud and clear here. Yes I am complaining. Yes I hurt. No I am not going to apologize for feeling this way.

Since all of that has happened with Keith's job I have had a lot of trouble staying motivated in mine. I feel betrayed by my co-workers, not to mention my pastors. If it was just a job I wouldn't mind so much. But it was our church. The people that are supposed to be examples of Christ to the world have done this to us. It feels like I have been stabbed in the back. By someone I love. I don't care about my position anymore. I just don't. Every Sunday I put on my happy face and welcome 40 little kids into the nursery, but I honestly don't care anymore. My hurt and bitterness have taken all of my enthusiasm. I don't care if my girls don't show up. I don't care if my budget is smashed all to hell. I don't care. I want to be home, with my little girl, and three others, loving them, and making money. I am tempted to leave early. I don't want to be there anymore.

VBS is coming up, and I am suddenly in charge of childcare for twenty students for five days. I did not want to do it and I was not asked. I was told. And I was told I should volunteer rather than be paid. Yeah, right. And now, I am supposed to plan lessons and activities for all of these kids. Provide staff to teach them. Have I mentioned that I don't care anymore.

Ok, I will stop ranting now. I am depressing myself. Getting back to the Horribly Emotional Weekend. Because I was feeling the pressure of all of the above, I lost it on my sweet husband, who held me, and let me cry and did all of the things a husband is supposed to do. He is great that way. However, when I did this I knew that he would be hurt, and I HATE doing that to him. But it needed said. I felt alone, and I felt like I was sacrificing more, doing more, working harder. Not that I actually was, but there was no sharing of burdens, so how was I to know that he was doing every bit and more than I was? I shared. He held and soothed. Next evening: He cried and shared. I held and soothed. It worked. Following day. I learned how to wire outlets for the basement. We will move down there. We have finished wiring stuff. Now we can sheetrock. I will have a suite of rooms to escape to at the end of the day. Somewhere where the kids can't be. I like this thought! I will wire outlets, hang sheetrock, mud and tape. Heck, I will even plumb the bathroom if I have to! I will have a place that I can go so I know I haven't given up my house. My home. And we will survive.

It is May. This is not an unusual occurrence, however, I never seem to recall a month with quite so many changes in so many people's lives. Starting with the beginning of the month...

May 2nd, Kale and Bethany get married. Not a bad thing, by an stretch of the imagination, but a huge change to the social dynamic of the Rowley family. I love having another sister, and I am truly looking forward to getting to know Bethany better. Keith has had a few odd moments where he seems to not quite grasp that his little brother (who is older than ME) is married. Probably a bigger deal to him then it seems to me, but that's ok. I truly hope that Josh still hangs out with us, even though he will be the odd man out. I remember when Keith and I got married the "single friends" tended to dissapear. Maybe we can convince Josh that he is a necessary part of our marital lives? Anyway, moving on...

May 9th, Frank graduates high school. I have to say, I was actually somewhat surprised that this actually took place. Knowing just how difficult the last few years have been on my family this was a truly momentus occasion. I bawled. He has worked SO HARD over the last three years to deal with the rather horrible truth that was thrust upon him. He DID IT! He MADE IT! I am so proud of him. Getting the diagnosis of FAS could easily have made him give up, but here he is, a high school graduate. Again, I bawled. I almost forgot to cheer him as he walked the stage. I couldn't see a d*** thing cuz my eyes were all misty! He did it! Great job Frank, and thank you God for being so faithful!

May 10th, Mother's Day. I missed Mother's Day by 2 days last year. 2!!! My first official Mother's Day was fun and sweet. My daughter is precious and I enjoyed myself. Though I need to point out that my husband, who doesn't do such things, forgot to get me a card. Normally he tolerates, and even humors my need for such things. Maybe next year.

May 13th, Kati turned 1. I have been a mom for a year. That is such an amazing thing to me. My little bitty newborn (who took her dear sweet time coming into the world) is now a most rambuncious almost-toddler. She smiles (with those 8 teeth) and she hugs and kisses. She shakes her head (so I will too) and she can say Daddy! (Note: Mommy will be forthcoming if it kills me.) She is such an amazing little person, and I look forward to getting to know her better as the next year progresses. It all goes so fast. I swear she was just a few days old last week. Her party is next weekend, and I am planning to the hilt. Another of those things my husband doesn't understand, but hey, she is only going to turn 1 once. Besides, I love birthday's. Everyone should have at least one day a year that is all about them. (Besides, if I do huge parties for everyone else, a small one doesn't seem like to much to ask for MY birthday. And yes, I did just write that. I do have ulterior motives.)

May 15th, Keith's last day at CHF. This is probably the most painful of things that will happen this month. Though in a way it is not all pain. Some of it is relief. We have known this is coming, and it has been looming like a very dark cloud for months. Now that we are actually standing under it it doesn't seem quite as horrible as it could. God is faithful. We will make it. I am still scared, but I don't think we will cease to exist or anything. Bills are paid, this month, we have food, for a few weeks, and I think we can do whatever is necessary to survive. God is faithful. And now Keith can start looking for a place for us to ATTEND church. I am looking forward to actually sitting in a worship service with Keith, for multiple weeks in a row, without having to look after anything. My soul has missed it. I have needed it and I think I have been ignoring it for far too long. I WANT TO GO TO CHURCH WITH MY HUSBAND!!! Is that too much to ask? The layoff has almost been a blessing. We can go to church together. We can feed ourselves. My soul has been dying of thirst, though it lives in a rainforest. I can't do this anymore. I can't wait until July.

May 16th, Today. Today I was busy. Today I helped make Kale and Bethany's reception food. Today I weeded the garden. Today I was mom. Today I was wife. Today I was productive. Today was wonderful.

Today I am home. I wasn't supposed to be, but now I am. Hmm.... how often does THAT happen. I was supposed to babysit this morning, then have run around type errands all afternoon, but here I sit. I have made a few cards, played with the new curriculum for work, and overall just ditzed around. I am thoroughly enjoying myself. I think I am going to go explore more cards to make. Have a happy day!

So we weathered the overnighter! We did have a slight setback.... Kati was teething, so we put her to bed.... but we did get a wonderful nights sleep. I had forgotten what it felt like. I want to do it again, not for a while, but maybe in a month or two, or five. Kati didn't forget me, and I didn't freak too badly. Life is good.

So on to the rest of the week. I am happy to say I have had a great week. It has been long for whatever reason, but fun and mostly relaxing. Today I had cabin fever so we went road tripping to Winfield. Yes, I know, and amazing destination, but I had a lot of fun. We ate a cool little bistro and walked in the park with the little girl. It was great to really have an afternoon outing as a family. It was nice to just hang out together. We need to do that more often.

Now that I have had a relaxing day I need to get ready for the craziness that is Sundays, so off to bed!

I sit here knowing that I need to pack for an overnight. Not for me, but for my precious little girl. I have been looking forward to her staying with the in-laws for weeks, but now that the day is upon me I am nervous. I have never left her with anyone before. Sure she has stayed with Anndrea while I work, and with the Grandparents while I run errands and go out with my hubby, but the first overnight is getting to me. What if she cries all night? What if she needs me and I am not there? What if she thinks I have abandoned her? It is very hard for me to think about. I want my girl to grow up knowing that she is loved. I want her to know that I am always there for her. But at the same time I sometimes need a good nights sleep, and maybe, just maybe, a night "off". She is still so little. I wonder what my mother's heart should be feeling. I know, in my head, that she will be fine. One night with Nana won't hurt her. She may even enjoy herself. It is me. All me, and my heart. I wonder and worry, and fret. I know that is not being very trusting, but she is my baby.

Lord grant me peace to leave my child in Your care. Give me the strength to enjoy myself, even as I worry. Let me take comfort in you! Bless my darling baby, and keep her safe.

I am very proud of myself. Perhaps that seems a little wrong, but hey, right now I need an upper! I have lost close to 18 lbs and I feel fantastic. It is amazing to me how long it took me to realize how awful I was being to myself. My heart broke when I realized that I was having trouble playing on the floor with Kati. My soul cried out with the brokenness. I needed a change. I needed a change for me. Not for my husband, not for my mom, not for my job, or even my daughter. I needed a change because I, ME, needed a change. This is really the first time in my life that I realized I needed to care for ME. That I was important to ME. I am changing, and I love it! It is sometimes hard, but I am doing what I need to do for myself. I am excited, I am happy, and I am doing it! Going in to the clinic the first time was really hard. I didn't really want to hear what they had to say. I knew they would say I was morbidly obese. I knew they would say I was going to have to give up some of my very favorite foods. I knew they were going to say that I had a problem. I didn't want to hear it. I didn't expect them to know where I was coming from. But they do. All of them. They have all been where I am. They had all realized somewhere, sometime, that they needed to take care of themselves. And they did. And they are happy. And now they want to help me. So they walk with me. They encourage me. And they tell me what I need to know, to get better. To help myself. I am not morbidly obese anymore! I have dropped a category. I have dropped a pants size. I have dropped the oppressive weight on my soul that was bringing me down into the hell of self loathing. I can do this, with lots of help, from God, from these wonderful ladies, from my husband. I am loosing, so much more than just pounds. And I am gaining. I am gaining insights into myself, and my needs. Insights into how much God loves me. Insights into just how wonderful it feels to be self disciplined. When I first started I thought that I would hate it. And I did. For a while. But not now. Now, I realize just how important it is for me to take the time out to take care of myself. To make sure I can get the food that I need. I am so happy that I am doing this. I know it won't always be easy, but right now, what I have is plenty, and what I am gaining means so much more to me than all of the food in the world.

Because I am happy, and because my wonderful husband and I have been married for 2 years (In 10 days) we are going to Texas. We invited ourselves over to a family's (that have been asking us to come visit) and they joyfully extended an invitation. However, there are some provisos, just because of the way their life is right now. And that is fine with me and I understand. But I have an infant. And having an infant causes me to ask for things from my hosts that I wouldn't dream of if I didn't. She needs naps, and plenty of them. I asked our sweet hosts if there was any way they could schedule around us, just a little, but around us. I hate doing that, but my baby comes first. I feel akward, and needy. I feel like a bad houseguest. Should a apologize and retract my request, or should I just leave it as it is, and hope that they are not put out with me. I don't know them well enough to say. I am nervous. I don't want to overstay our welcome before we even get there. What should I do? What should I say? I want to be just as gracious and sweet as our hosts, and I feel like I am failing miserably.

Help me Lord. Help me to know if I should be the giver, or reciever, of grace here. Help me to know if I am right in putting my child (on this trip) in front of my grace for the lives of others. Grant me wisdom, and help me to do what You know is best.

My little girl is growing up. It is amazing to me to watch Kati Liz grow and change and evolve and explore. I am astounded by the sheer determination I see in her everyday. I truly do remember carrying her, and laboring, and birthing and that first precious moment when I got to hold her. That was 9 very very short months ago. My little one is crawling all over the house, getting into everything, and loving every minute of it. Holding her and snuggling her makes my heart melt! Sometimes I let her sleep on my lap, just so that I can hold her, and watch her while she sleeps. The force of my love for her brings tears to my eyes. She is so precious. She is my little girl. Every time she looks at me and smiles my heart turns into a little puddle! I miss my little 2 week old baby that did nothing but nap in my arms, but I love this new little adventurer! She is so brave, and determined. She wants to conquer her environment every day. Today she even crawled OVER our 90 lb lab! She has (three times) pulled a chair over on top of herself. She had tried to stick her finger in a wall outlet, and she has tried to eat the end of my computer cord (while it was live.) She sits in the dog dishes, tries to crawl down the side of the bed, and tries to eat anything (and I mean anything) left on the floor. How can such a little person, who is truly dependent on her parents for most everything in her life, be so carefree and fearless. I am so blessed to be her mom. She teaches me new things every day.

Being a mom is honestly much different then I had imagined. I thought that I would be very laid back and non worried. Well I am still pretty laid back, but I am almost always worried about something. Does that rash mean anything? Is she warm enough? How can I get her to take a nap? You know, all of those kind of things. And then there is How are we going to afford new clothes? Can we go grocery shopping AND get the bills paid? I never knew how much thought went into parenthood. Not that I mind thinking, but sometimes I feel like my brain needs a break. One minute without an ounce of worry.

Anyway, Kati is a blessing, but I am still not sure I am ready for toddlerhood. (Ok Dad, when do I get another infant?) She went from completely unable to crawl to cruising in less than a month! I swear she is trying to bypass the rest of babyhood. I am not ready my darling girl. PLEASE slow down! I want her to grow up healthy and happy and I know that means that she has to go at her own pace, but I still think she is going hell bent for leather toward toddlerhood. Thankfully she is so adorable in the process I cannot help but smile!

The love in my heart for this little human being amazes even me. I never thought I could love someone this much. I love my husband more than my own body, and I realize that I am his and he is mine. But motherhood, wow, it sends a whole new spin on the word LOVE. I truly think my heart would stop if I did not have my little girl in my life. She is the most important thing to me right now. I love holding her, watching her, talking to her, feeding her, changing her, giving her baths. She is this little bundle of fulfillment and joy in my life and I wouldn't trade it for the world. Babies are a lot of work, yes, but the rewards that you reap, watching them smile and watching them grow is positively amazing!

I have come to realize that weekends are a misnomer. They are indeed at the ends of the week, but the colloquial term "weekend" meaning stress free, work free, etc is definitely not the case. Well most of the time anyway. I very rarely have the ability to have an actual stress free work free weekend. More often than not I am called in, called on, or overbooked for my precious days, supposedly, off. For example, this weekend I told my parents I would have the brothers stay overnight while they are gone, had planned a church event that I MUST attend, and at the last moment there was a funeral that I have to coordinate nursery personnel for. (Sidebar: who needs nursery for a funeral?) I have found that what I thought was going to be a welcome break from my work week to be suddenly filled with work and social responsibilities. I do not like being busy in general, and I often feel overwhelmed with days like tomorrow.

All of this being said, my husband introduced me to a concept that before our marriage was basically foreign to me. The concept is Sabbaths. Yes, I knew the term, and what it meant for Jews, particularly of the biblical era, but I was unfamiliar with the current ramifications of such a concept. I must say, that having Sabbath - ed consciously for close to two years now has given me a true respect for these Holy days. Sabbath - ing is purposely giving yourself (and your family, in our case) a true day of rest. You don't work, you don't clean the yard, mend those fallen hems, do laundry and dishes. You merely have a day where you can concentrate on the things that feed your soul. (If laundry does that for you go for it!) I have begun to realize just how important to my soul Sabbath - ing is. I need these days to feed my soul. I am sure that I would be languishing, and ever so grouchy, without them.

Dear Lord, please grant me the grace of a Sabbath, as often as I need one, and as often as you say I should have them. Grant me and my family peace, and allow us to enjoy the feeding of our souls!

As I post for the first time on various blogs, websites etc, I always feel that I should tell a little about myself. But I am not going to do that today. Today I need to layout where I am at, and the crushing weight that has been on me for several days now.

My husband is losing his job. Not a huge surprise as far as the economy is concerned, but very surprising given where he works. We are both employed at a church here in the city and we have loved every moment (well not every moment) and we had thought we would be here for 5+ years at the least. When he brought the news home to me I felt the weight of responsibility and disbelief hit me square in the chest, and over the last 3 days it hasn't left. Not that God won't take care of us, He always has and always will, but I am a firm believer that God helps those who help themselves. Sitting on my blessed assurance waiting for God to change the mind of the staff parish committee etc is just not going to cut it.

I know I can get a job pretty much anywhere in the child care industry that I want. However, it has been my lifelong dream to stay home with my kids. Having worked in the child care industry for years I know the type of care Kati would receive and I abhor the thought of her spending her days in one of these institutions. I want to be home with her, seeing her grow and change. If anything I know how fast she is going to go through all of the stages and new wonders of her short life and I don't want to miss anything.

I am still kind of in shock about Keith loosing his job. It really hasn't sunk in yet. I want to believe that the church that we have poured our lives into for the last 3 years isn't going to leave us high and dry, but that is what it feels like. A few months ago Keith and I had discussed our future at Chapel Hill. We knew we were not getting fed there and we realized that if we weren't working there we wouldn't be going to church there. Now that he is not going to be there anymore, I am fairly certain that I will resign my position as well. I want us to be at church together. If he is not working Sundays I really don't want to either.

How are we going to make it? What are we going to do? We were barely making it as it was. I truly hope God has something wonderful planned. I am not sure I am strong enough to live in limbo. My little girl needs new clothes, food, diapers. My dogs need to eat. Keith and I need to pa bills, eat, get new clothes ourselves. How do we do all of this if he doesn't have a job? I wonder just what we will have to do. I am scared.