It is always surprising to me how long I go between posts. October was dreadfully low on posts, and November completely devoid of them. Here it is the middle of December and I am just now getting around to doing this thing called blogging!
October finished rather lazily, and November took off with a flash. Keith and I spent the month furiously writing any time we could. We both managed to write 50,000 + words by Thanksgiving! Neither of our books are finished, or even really readable yet however. Truthfully I am kind of scared to read mine. I know it is incredibly dreadful (that was part of the deal and I knew it) but I am just not sure I can face the seemingly monumental task of editing this amazing work of fiction that was hiding somewhere in my head.
Kati's Klubhouse is doing phenomenally well. I have five regular clients, with two precious little girls that drop in on occasion. Isabelle is 7 months old and starting to sit up, and have teeth, and working on crawling etc. She is a happy smiley baby, and I genuinely look forward to seeing her every morning. Though I have realized that when she is not here I feel much more relaxed...
Ty is almost 2 and a dynamic little firecracker. He spends most of his days chasing after his older friend Malakai or starting WW3 with Kati. He is fun and full of giggles and keeps me on my toes.
Malakai is my newest kiddo. He is 3. And what a 3 he is! Lots of questions, lots of smiles, and he has definite opinions on how his world will work. He is very easygoing though, and never actively defies me, which is very unusual for a three year old. What a sweet guy he is.
Isaac is a little lover. He is quiet, and playful, and has so much fun chasing all of the older kids around. He is 15 months, so he is the littlest next to Isabelle. He has a huge smile and loves to eat all of the yummy snacks that we keep around. Now if only I could get him to take a good nap...
And then there is Kati. My sweet precious loving Kati. She is opinionated, stubborn, and sometimes hard of hearing, but she adds such joy to my life. Being her mommy is an amazing experience. She loves having the other kids over to play and she has so much fun running around with the boys and teasing them. She also loves to do puzzles and read books with me, which is so precious to me. She is even learning to pick up her toys when she is done with them. I am so proud of her!
With all of these amazing kids comes a HUGE amount of housework, which I sometimes feel I am drowning in. Keith has all but taken over doing laundry because I just can't seem to get it done anymore. He also does dishes, vaccuums, cleans up, and overall takes care of everything - after he has gotten up at 5 am to take kiddos to school. I know I couldn't do this without his help. Some nights I sit in bed wanting to cry because I didn't accomplish everything that I needed to for the day. And other nights I marvel at the fact that I got a shower and made two meals. I have been struggling to keep myself in balance. I have been feeling like I need to be this supermom who can keep house, watch 5 kids, make three meals and two snacks, keep the kids clean and do laundry - all with a smile on my face and energy leftover for a "life" outside of the house. I don't know if I am expecting too much of myself, or if I am just being selfish. I don't want to put things on my husband. He has his own things he needs to accomplish, but sometimes I just need him to share my load, and carry some of my weight, because I just can't do it anymore.
For the first time in my life I have found myself feeling depressed and overwhelmed. I am upset with myself because I am not my usual sunny, optomistic, get to work kind of self. I want that me back, but I wonder if this is how motherhood is. If motherhood means that you give up everything you were, and become everything to the little person you love more than anything you ever liked about yourself, or even your husband. Does motherhood mean that I will never be able to be that carefree person I used to be, someone who didn't worry about wearing socks in the winter, or whether I was eating on a good schedule or not?
I constantly tell people, specifically other moms, that a mother has to take time for herself, and do things that are fulfilling to her. But what if that means that you clean out a closet by yourself? What if that means that you get the house clean, and keep it that way for a little more than 10 minutes? What if cooking a 4 course meal, and then enjoying it, without half of it ending up on the floor, is what makes you feel whole, and womanly? What then?