My little girl is growing up. It is amazing to me to watch Kati Liz grow and change and evolve and explore. I am astounded by the sheer determination I see in her everyday. I truly do remember carrying her, and laboring, and birthing and that first precious moment when I got to hold her. That was 9 very very short months ago. My little one is crawling all over the house, getting into everything, and loving every minute of it. Holding her and snuggling her makes my heart melt! Sometimes I let her sleep on my lap, just so that I can hold her, and watch her while she sleeps. The force of my love for her brings tears to my eyes. She is so precious. She is my little girl. Every time she looks at me and smiles my heart turns into a little puddle! I miss my little 2 week old baby that did nothing but nap in my arms, but I love this new little adventurer! She is so brave, and determined. She wants to conquer her environment every day. Today she even crawled OVER our 90 lb lab! She has (three times) pulled a chair over on top of herself. She had tried to stick her finger in a wall outlet, and she has tried to eat the end of my computer cord (while it was live.) She sits in the dog dishes, tries to crawl down the side of the bed, and tries to eat anything (and I mean anything) left on the floor. How can such a little person, who is truly dependent on her parents for most everything in her life, be so carefree and fearless. I am so blessed to be her mom. She teaches me new things every day.

Being a mom is honestly much different then I had imagined. I thought that I would be very laid back and non worried. Well I am still pretty laid back, but I am almost always worried about something. Does that rash mean anything? Is she warm enough? How can I get her to take a nap? You know, all of those kind of things. And then there is How are we going to afford new clothes? Can we go grocery shopping AND get the bills paid? I never knew how much thought went into parenthood. Not that I mind thinking, but sometimes I feel like my brain needs a break. One minute without an ounce of worry.

Anyway, Kati is a blessing, but I am still not sure I am ready for toddlerhood. (Ok Dad, when do I get another infant?) She went from completely unable to crawl to cruising in less than a month! I swear she is trying to bypass the rest of babyhood. I am not ready my darling girl. PLEASE slow down! I want her to grow up healthy and happy and I know that means that she has to go at her own pace, but I still think she is going hell bent for leather toward toddlerhood. Thankfully she is so adorable in the process I cannot help but smile!

The love in my heart for this little human being amazes even me. I never thought I could love someone this much. I love my husband more than my own body, and I realize that I am his and he is mine. But motherhood, wow, it sends a whole new spin on the word LOVE. I truly think my heart would stop if I did not have my little girl in my life. She is the most important thing to me right now. I love holding her, watching her, talking to her, feeding her, changing her, giving her baths. She is this little bundle of fulfillment and joy in my life and I wouldn't trade it for the world. Babies are a lot of work, yes, but the rewards that you reap, watching them smile and watching them grow is positively amazing!

I have come to realize that weekends are a misnomer. They are indeed at the ends of the week, but the colloquial term "weekend" meaning stress free, work free, etc is definitely not the case. Well most of the time anyway. I very rarely have the ability to have an actual stress free work free weekend. More often than not I am called in, called on, or overbooked for my precious days, supposedly, off. For example, this weekend I told my parents I would have the brothers stay overnight while they are gone, had planned a church event that I MUST attend, and at the last moment there was a funeral that I have to coordinate nursery personnel for. (Sidebar: who needs nursery for a funeral?) I have found that what I thought was going to be a welcome break from my work week to be suddenly filled with work and social responsibilities. I do not like being busy in general, and I often feel overwhelmed with days like tomorrow.

All of this being said, my husband introduced me to a concept that before our marriage was basically foreign to me. The concept is Sabbaths. Yes, I knew the term, and what it meant for Jews, particularly of the biblical era, but I was unfamiliar with the current ramifications of such a concept. I must say, that having Sabbath - ed consciously for close to two years now has given me a true respect for these Holy days. Sabbath - ing is purposely giving yourself (and your family, in our case) a true day of rest. You don't work, you don't clean the yard, mend those fallen hems, do laundry and dishes. You merely have a day where you can concentrate on the things that feed your soul. (If laundry does that for you go for it!) I have begun to realize just how important to my soul Sabbath - ing is. I need these days to feed my soul. I am sure that I would be languishing, and ever so grouchy, without them.

Dear Lord, please grant me the grace of a Sabbath, as often as I need one, and as often as you say I should have them. Grant me and my family peace, and allow us to enjoy the feeding of our souls!

As I post for the first time on various blogs, websites etc, I always feel that I should tell a little about myself. But I am not going to do that today. Today I need to layout where I am at, and the crushing weight that has been on me for several days now.

My husband is losing his job. Not a huge surprise as far as the economy is concerned, but very surprising given where he works. We are both employed at a church here in the city and we have loved every moment (well not every moment) and we had thought we would be here for 5+ years at the least. When he brought the news home to me I felt the weight of responsibility and disbelief hit me square in the chest, and over the last 3 days it hasn't left. Not that God won't take care of us, He always has and always will, but I am a firm believer that God helps those who help themselves. Sitting on my blessed assurance waiting for God to change the mind of the staff parish committee etc is just not going to cut it.

I know I can get a job pretty much anywhere in the child care industry that I want. However, it has been my lifelong dream to stay home with my kids. Having worked in the child care industry for years I know the type of care Kati would receive and I abhor the thought of her spending her days in one of these institutions. I want to be home with her, seeing her grow and change. If anything I know how fast she is going to go through all of the stages and new wonders of her short life and I don't want to miss anything.

I am still kind of in shock about Keith loosing his job. It really hasn't sunk in yet. I want to believe that the church that we have poured our lives into for the last 3 years isn't going to leave us high and dry, but that is what it feels like. A few months ago Keith and I had discussed our future at Chapel Hill. We knew we were not getting fed there and we realized that if we weren't working there we wouldn't be going to church there. Now that he is not going to be there anymore, I am fairly certain that I will resign my position as well. I want us to be at church together. If he is not working Sundays I really don't want to either.

How are we going to make it? What are we going to do? We were barely making it as it was. I truly hope God has something wonderful planned. I am not sure I am strong enough to live in limbo. My little girl needs new clothes, food, diapers. My dogs need to eat. Keith and I need to pa bills, eat, get new clothes ourselves. How do we do all of this if he doesn't have a job? I wonder just what we will have to do. I am scared.